


But it's a storm you can weather

by mattsw



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: AU, Fluff, M/M, a bit of angst, trans!luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 11:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5867782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattsw/pseuds/mattsw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started on a Wednesday. Han came home from work. He instantly knew something was wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But it's a storm you can weather

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 5am out of some weird thoughts so please excuse any mistake or nonsense.

It was a Tuesday. It was raining.

 

Grey clouds where dressing the fall sky and it was silent inside the car, only the constant bumping of Luke's leg against the floor, he always did that when he was feeling anxious, Han knew that, he was anxious too, you could tell by the way his fingers kept tapping on the wheel at every stop.

 

It wasn't always like this though, usually car rides with Luke were absent of silence, and Han loved that about him, but he knew today was special.

 

11 months ago it had started

11 months since Han knew he had to do this for Luke, the kid had done so much for him, turned his boring and lonely life into a bumpy and crazy ride, Han had never felt so alive than when he was with Luke. 

 

It started after a Wednesday. Han came home from work. He instantly knew something was wrong. 

The first thing he always saw when he came home, was Luke, sometimes he was sleepy from a recent nap on the couch, other days he was in a great mood and ran to the door to kiss him hello. Luke always got nostalgic when Han spent long days at work. And Han was used to it, spoiled maybe, by Luke's cuddly greetings, so when he got home and all the lights were off and there was no sign of Luke, all the alarms on Han's head went off.

 

"... Luke?"

 

Nothing.

 

"Babe? ... I'm home" He said a bit louder.

 

Han walked slowly towards the main bathroom, he had a feeling he would find him there. It was when he put his ear against the door that he heard it, a few quiet sobs. Han's heart broke.

 

You see, this wasn't the first time it this had happened. There were bad days, and Han was always afraid of them. There was a little voice, always, in the back of his head "this will happen again" it kept saying, every time Han saw that bright beautiful smile on Luke's face, that voice kept repeating it, "this won't last, he won't be happy for too long" and Han felt so helpless.

 

He didn't know what could set it off.

Sometimes, it seemed like nothing could bring Luke down, but then everything did.

 

Han hadn't even known about dysphoria before, what it entailed, but he had learned, he had because he wanted to help, because he hated it when Luke cried. When Luke hated himself, those were the worst days. 

 

Because there came a time when binders weren't enough, when cutting his hair and borrowing Han's baggiest clothes were not enough.

And so those days, the lights went off.

 

That's how it always started.

 

"It's better this way, if there are no lights I won't have to see this" Luke had said, pointing at himself.

 

"I can just pretend"

 

"Does it work?" Han had asked the first time, not noticing Luke's fresh tears in the dark.

 

Luke didn't answer.

 

So when Han heard Luke crying in the bathroom that night with the lights off he promised himself it would stop. No more. He had to do something about it. 

 

It was a Thursday, When Han went to see a friend Chewie had told him about, Han didn't know how Chewie knew a doctor, (and good one) but he did and he was so thankful.

 

"As you can see, chest surgery is a very simple procedure" the doctor told him, Doctor Jones, his name was, that's what the fancy tag on his desk said.

 

"Is it for everyone? Is it safe?"

 

"There is never 100% safety in surgery Mr. Solo but i can tell you this, it looks good, from what you tell me...” he made a pause to take a look at his papers "Luke seems to be a perfect candidate, he's young and healthy, we'll still need to run some safety tests but it looks well"  

 

Han smiled. He couldn't wait; he couldn't wait to see the look on Luke's face when he found out.

 

That didn't happen until 5 months later though. Han didn't want Luke to build up false hope so he wanted everything to be ready. And that meant having the money to do it. 

 

So he worked, extra hard. 10 hours a day, 6 days a week and other jobs on the side. Chewie talked everyone at work into making a special collaboration and surprising Han (he'll never admit he cried) and some help from Leia too, well, it was more Leia visiting him at work and threatening him to get him to take some money from her than anything else.

 

"You look like crap"

 

"Nice to see you too" Han said with a sideway smile and returning Leia's hug.

 

"No but seriously have you been sleeping?"

 

No reply 

 

"Han come on, can you stop being so stubborn and take the money"

 

"Leia, I can handle this, really"

 

"I swear to god Han, take the fucking money or I'm going to ruin your surprise and tell Luke about this madness, you know he'll stop it"

 

"Lei-"

 

"I'm telling on you Han, I'm not even joking"

 

"FINE!"

 

"Good, hey, I brought you lunch"

 

And that was it. 

It happened twice.

 

 

 

The day Han had enough money it was a Friday, and he cried.

 

He hugged Chewie and got some hair on his mouth because of it but he was so happy, he just brushed them off and kept smiling, and pretending the stains on Chewie's chest weren't because of his tears.

 

Then it hit him that he hadn't prepared this surprise at all, how was he gonna tell Luke? Oh god, he sucked at this.

 

This was supposed to be special! Han took two deep breaths and then thought.

 

And thought.

...............

....

 

"Fuck"

 

 

When he got home he still had nothing.

But he had waited for so long, honestly the  only thing he wanted right know was to see the smile on Luke's face. Nothing else.

 

It was a good day, that Friday, so when he got home he got wrapped in Luke's arms immediately.

 

"I missed you!" he said after kissing him for the third time.

 

"Me too, hey, I got something for you" 

 

"Oh!...are you okay? Your face looks weird"

 

Han realized then that his cheeks hurt from smiling for so long. 

 

"yeah yeah, come sit down"

 

"Okay..." Luke said, letting himself get dragged by Han to their couch in front of their old TV.

 

"Here"

Han said shoving a thick envelope on Luke's hands.

He really should have thought this through. He sucked at surprises.

 

Luke gave him a weird look but then started to open the package.

 

"HOLY SHIT"

 

Han smiled

 

"What is all this money for, oh my god, Han this like, a lot! What..."

 

"Oh wait! There’s more" Han said just remembering, and he pulled a card out of his back pocket. It was the doctor's card.

"Here"

Luke grabbed it and read it, a look of confusion on his face.

 

"Doctor Erik Jon..." his voice faded as he read the card. Han could almost hear the gears in his brain trying to catch up to him.

 

Finally his face started to change; his hand went to his mouth with an almost inaudible gasp.

 

"Han..."

 

"I'm free tomorrow we can go see Doctor Jones if you want"

 

Luke was still speechless.

When he finally looked up, his eyes were so filled with tears that a couple dropped at the first blink.

 

"Luke?"

 

After that Han only remembers almost losing balance from Luke jumping to hug him and then his smaller body shaking with a loud sob. Han knew though, that this wasn't like the ones he heard in the dark, this one was different, this one felt better, like it was letting off a lot of pain, like it could turn into laughter at any point, like there was a huge weight being lifted from both of them.

 

Han cried too.

 

 

When Luke went into surgery it was a Monday.

 

Han drank 5 cups of coffee from a crappy machine. he walked the same hallway at least 50 times and cracked his knuckles a good 70.

 

By the time Luke opened his eyes after the surgery he let out what felt like his first breath in years. 

 

"Hey kid"

 

"mhan"

 

"I'm here" Han said squeezing Luke's hand but carefully, he could break him if he squeezed him too hard, or that's how it looked like to Han.

 

"howdit go"

 

"Good, baby"

 

Luke tried to lift his hand, feel his chest.

 

"Careful, it's still with bandages and stuff"

 

Luke still ran his fingers carefully over his now flat chest; he let out a weak laugh.

 

"I'm ...me"

 

Han laughed too.

He also cried a bit.

Man, he really needed to get it together.

 

Han took a few weeks off, he doesn't know how, but Chewie managed to get him covered, God bless that hairy man. But of course his weeks off were dedicated to take care of Luke after his surgery, even though most of the time he was laying down and watching TV, after all, that's all he could do, really.

 

"Doctors’ orders" Han always said when Luke tried to do anything else. To which Luke just let out a tragic groan.

 

So weeks passed and it was Tuesday.

And they were in that quiet car ride

With the cloudy fall sky and rain leaving big drops all over the car's windows, and Luke was bumping his leg, and Han was tapping on the wheel at every stop.

 

It was the first time they were going to take Luke's bandages off and they were tense. Happy, but tense.

 

"It all comes down to this" Luke had said while Han held his drains to help him get ready.

 

"It's going to be okay"

 

"Yeah, i know" Luke smiled, it was a real smile, but with a bit of fear in it too.

 

Han parked the car at the Hospital's parking lot. he took the key out of the ignition and stared at Luke.

 

Luke stared back, an expectant look on his face

 

"You ready?"

 

"Yeah, you?"

 

Han nodded.

 

He gave Luke's hand a tight squeeze and let go of him to get out of the car. they both walked down the hall and Luke went immediately to sit down while Han asked for the papers to fill. His back still hurt.

 

They sat quietly while Han filled the papers for Luke, and shared quiet minutes of just hand holding and anxious looks until the doctor called his name.

 

"Skywalker"

 

They both went in. Han could feel the dampness in Luke's hold, both their hands were sweating. 

 

Luke sat on the big chair, He looked tiny on it, Han thought. He already had a bright smile on his face while answering the doctor’s questions and Han took a seat on one of the doctor’s chairs by his side.

 

"Alright we're going to take all this off okay?"

 

"Okay" Luke sat straight against the big chair, his muscles tensing.

 

"Relax, from now on, just comes the easiest part" the doctor tried to reassure him, he was a nice man.

 

The doctor started to cut off the first layer and after that he started to roll the bandage on his hand whilst taking it off Luke layer by layer.

 

"Might look a bit gross right now, but in the next few weeks it will get much better, so keep that in mind"

 

He took off the last layer and Luke looked down to his chest.

 

And then he looked up at Han, the biggest of smiles threatening to break the calm facade he was trying to put on in front of the doctor.

 Han smiled at him, big.

The doctor went on to explain the details to him, and Luke listened, eyes big and filled with emotion.

 

"Now we're going to take the drains out"

 

Han took Luke's hand in his.

He knew Luke was nervous about this particular part, because he had gone online and read that it hurt a lot ("I told you not to go on the internet, remember last time? They got you into thinking you were about to die and it was just a cold!")

 

"I heard this hurts' Luke blurted out.

 

"Oh well, it depends on the person really, let's hope not, okay?"

 

Luke nodded.

 

"On the count of three I want you to take a deep breath"

"1, 2, 3"

 

Luke breathed in and as he was exhaling the doctor took the tube out in one quick but careful motion.

 

"How was it?"

 

"Not that actually"

 

"See? I told you" Han said in a whisper.

 

The doctor then did the same on the other side and patched up the wounds, after that he kept talking to Luke telling him about the aftercare from now on, Han listened too, he wanted everything to go perfect.

 

"Okay I'm going to leave both of you now, I'll be right outside filling some papers, call me when you're ready"

 

Both Luke and Han nodded and thanked him as he went out and closed the door behind him.

Han helped Luke out of the big chair and the first thing he did once he had him standing right in front of him, was kiss him, he held his face in his hands and looked into his eyes, so bright and beautiful, and small drops of tears were starting to fall down Luke's cheeks.

And so, carefully, Han hugged him.

And Luke let it all go; he cried and he cried, every tear, a reminder all those times he ran away from light to avoid looking at his reflection, every time he hurt his body trying to make himself look the way he felt inside.

 

"It's over, never again"

 

Shaky laughter started to come out of Luke while he looked up at Han who was wiping off his tears.

 

"You made it, baby"

 

Luke grinned and hid his face on Han's neck

 

"We made it" he said, his voice muffled.

"We made it"

 

 

Han cried too.

This time though, he didn't really care.


End file.
